Michael Bay’s Mission to Destroy All Things Sacred

When I saw the first Transformers film I thought to myself, “Hey, this could really be something special!” That movie was cheesy, had good action, and just enough story and interesting characters to make for some good fun. But I was wrong. I was soooooo wrong.

I never should’ve supported later Transformer’s films. I should’ve said what I said when I heard Jerry “Wear a decent formula out until everyone hates the original” Bruckheimer and his Disney Cohorts announced an endless array of pirate movies. I should have stayed away.

But I didn’t. I supported that rotten filmmaker as he destroyed everything decent about the first Transformers movie (and the cartoons, which, I admit to not having nearly as much familiarity there) by exaggerating each character to the point where it seemed like the actors had become the caricature of a caricature. I watched him introduce some of the most annoying transformers ever. And then I went back for the third movie, and saw him take a decent idea (I loved how the premise of the third transformers movie involved a Dan Brown-like conspiracy theory) and dilute it down into an even longer action stuffed romp that feels like it goes nowhere over its  journey of nearly 3 hours (though by the end it feels longer than an extended cut of Lord of the Rings, or worse, even longer than the first Hobbit movie).

Now that Bay has effectively desecrated the childhood of any Transformers lover, he is now going after my childhood specifically. I had heard when this idea had first been floating around, but I thought it was nixed after the controversy about the turtles being aliens. But now we have the trailer. now it’s official. There’s no stopping it. Michael Bay is chewing up my childhood memories and spitting them out in a disgusting fashion.

Why on earth would they want to turn this...

Why on earth would they want to turn this…

... Into this... What's with the creepy green CG Rambo style anyway? It certainly doesn't jive with the newer cartoon version of the turtles...

… Into this… What’s with the creepy green CG Rambo style anyway? It certainly doesn’t jive with the newer cartoon version of the turtles…

... For that matter, why go CG in the first place, when the costumes created for the 90's films were more realistic anyway? Oh right. You can 'splode more stuff with CG. Lame...

… For that matter, why go CG in the first place, when the costumes created for the 90’s films were more realistic anyway? Oh right. You can ‘splode more stuff with CG. Lame…

I would hope that the movies would be good, but I have serious doubts, since, rather than making the turtles the friendly, cartoonish, fun characters like the cartoons and movies of the early 90’s, he has made them look like creepy CG superheroes performing endless daring stunts. essentially from the look of the trailer he is creating another Transformers, only with different characters. le Sigh….

I would beg Michael Bay to stop. I would remind him that there are already three live action Turtles movies, and two of them are actually pretty good. I would remind him that not everything needs to be souped up with endless special effects. I would ask him to remember that it’s the characters of the 4 protagonists that made the cartoons and the movies such a hilarious fun time, and not the action. But he won’t listen. Cause his mission in life is to destroy childhood memories, and to eat warm fuzzy feelings, or to (quite literally) explode happiness away in a blaze of CG fire and smoke.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe, like the first Transformers movie, this will be a pleasant surprise in the Bay canon. But I doubt it. And unless the reviews of critics and friends alike come back overwhelmingly good, then I will stay away. Until someone tells me this new re-imagining is safe, then I will not touch it with a thirty-nine and a half-foot pole. You will not fool me again, Mr. Bay.

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