I’ve already mentioned this on my blog, but I thought I’d better explain myself to all those rabid Perry fans out there. I have a strange conspiracy theory about Katy Perry’s music, and how it is somehow tailored to make us stupid. I don’t know how. I only know it does (she isn’t alone. The process I’m about to describe applies to many pop artists, but the force of her music seems especially potent. So Ms. Perry… I apologize. You get to be the scapegoat).
Now before I go any further, you need to know that I like Katy’s music. You must understand that the simple fact that I like her music is part of the reason I’ve come to this conclusion. Somehow, she has engineered her music to affect our brains and initiate a strange process. It has happened every single time I hear her next big hit on the radio. Most recently this process ran its course with the recent hit “Roar” (the radio is, in fact, the only way I ever hear her music initially. The fact that I feel the need to explain that should tell you something about how stupid I’ve become.)
The process always begins the same way. The song comes on. About 10 seconds in I realize it must be her, and my response is immediate: “Why on earth does Katy Perry’s new song suck so bad!?!?!?!?” I listen to about half the song, and then I have to change the station. I’ve had enough. The music is bad. It’s not worth listening to. Now, I assume this is the response everyone (with the possible exception of 13-year-old K.P. fans) react. But Katy knows exactly what the master plan is, and has apparently paid the radio station thousands of dollars to play the new “hit” song about every 3rd time in the music queue. Thus, if you listen to the radio, it’s inevitable that this is not the last time you’ll run into the song.
So it isn’t long before I hear the song again. Since it has something like…. One whole chord in the whole frackin’ song, it’s super easy to remember. This time however, my response, while still negative, is not as repulsive. I sigh and say to myself “well, I guess there’s not really anything else on worth listening to. I guess I’ll suffer through this one and see what the next song is.” If I can find another station with something better I switch, but remember, it can be hard to find something better. As I’ve already said, many artists are in on this conspiracy.
So I suffer through the second listening session of K.P.’s dreaded new music. A short time later, Perry’s brainwashing technique begins to take full effect. when the song comes on the radio this time, suddenly I find my mind saying “you know. this song IS pretty catchy. You know, like every other Katy Perry song. I guess it’s okay.” Then the fourth time comes. “This really is a good jam.” I say to myself. I mean, there are many songs much worse than this on the radio.” By this time Katy’s brainwash has almost been complete. All it takes is one more time. And somehow, by the time I happen upon the song the fifth time, and the effect is complete. Somehow I’ve forgotten how awful the song was, and I think “Holy wow, I love this song!” I get on Youtube to check out the music video. I share it with my family. I take pride knowing that I’ve shared this brilliant piece of art with others. And thus, the virus that is Katy Perry spreads to all those that come into contact.
These symptoms follow many other artists. Taylor Swift, The Black Eyed Peas, and One Republic readily come to mind, with Miley Cyrus fortunately not understanding how the brainwash works, and her music fails to entice like the other artists do. Props for trying, though. And for using every dumb, cliche attention grabbing, controversy inducing technique ever though. You’re a regular Lady Gaga. Except you’re not nearly as intelligent or talented. The point, however, is that the conspiracy is afoot, and Katy Perry is leading the charge. Her music makes us dumber day by day. That stupidity drives us and fuels our desire to listen to more of her music, and as we listen we are steadily made more stupid. (Even Justin Bieber has occasionally won me over. It is truly terrifying)
Once the cycle has begun, there truly is no way to stop it. I write this blog knowing that it is too late for me. I’m brainwashed with a love for Perry and her counterparts (It’s scary how excited I get when I hear some Taylor Swift pop up on the radio) But I write this in hopes that perhaps it won’t be too late for you. If You haven’t been pulled into the trap, then don’t allow yourself to listen, even for a split second. Change the station, or just continue whatever it is you’re doing in silence. It will be better that way. Save yourself! Please! Before it’s too late…